Sometimes

I fall

Maybe

At the bottom

There will be a cushion

To soften the impact

Maybe

At the bottom

There will be springs

To help me bounce back

But sometimes

There is nothing

But cold

Hard

Dirt

When I’m drowning in the river

Water rushing me by, leaving me behind

Pushing me against the rocks

I cling onto life

Just to ask myself

Did I fall

Or

Did

I

Jump

Should I give in to conscious thought?

Most days it’s always the same

I get up, I lay down

I get up

I fall down

So easy it is

I must not be aware

My body just moves

Without me even there

Unconscious my movements

Unconscious my thoughts

I wonder what I would do

If I did what I want

Like a spider

Setting a trap

I lie in wait upon my nest

Swaying back and forth in the wind

I feel that ting

The sound that indicates prey

I scurry up up up the line

To play with my catch

Is it

Water falling through your fingers

Desperately trying to keep you palms full?

Is it

Straining on your tip tip tip toes

Reaching for something just out of reach?

Or is it

Searching the horizon waiting for something to pop up –

Only for it to never appear?

None of those fit

None of them really right

Because I am not even sure

It was ever really there

Writing poetry in my head this night

But

Pen to paper

I forget the lines

That gut feeling

The heavy heavy weight of it

The slosh the pull the

Everything

No matter where

I go

It follows

It is so

Disgusting

When I finally realize

That dreaming might not be all it’s cracked up to be

I’ve already drifted to sleep

I’m always saying sorry

A quick fix

To a long problem

I’m sorry for the things I said

I’m sorry for the anger I expressed

But while this time I am still sorry

I do not regret

Interpreting a Cold War

As a threat

In escalating this situation

And meeting it head on

You locked me into this battle

Do not act like I am it’s only combatant